Do you miss the fireworks that used to fill the room when you first met your partner? While this is a problem that almost every relationship faces at some point, it's also true that eroticism doesn't have to have an expiration date.
Do you miss the fireworks that used to fill the room when you first met your partner? Have they lost much of their enthusiasm for sex and you don't understand why? Is there still love but the "spark" no longer causes a fire?
While this is a problem that almost every relationship faces at some point, it is also true that eroticism does not have to have an expiration date, and, for physical, mental and emotional health, no one should resign themselves to a mediocre sex life.
It is perfectly possible to rekindle the flame of passion, but to do so we must stop seeing sex as something that can only happen satisfactorily in a spontaneous and ideal way, and start interpreting it as one more of the important areas of the relationship that we can cultivate and improve with diligence, constancy and practice.
Why does passion die out in a couple?
In her Best Seller Erotic Intelligence, sexuality psychologist Esther Perel states that all relationships change and evolve over time, and this includes feelings, the type of communication, the level of trust and, of course, the intimate life.
Although there are many couples who manage to maintain mutual erotic interest and enjoyment of the body and sex as part of their daily coexistence, they will also agree that encounters do not have the same passionate intensity as at the beginning of the relationship, and this is part of the healthy and normal maturation of sexual desire.
This is because as we move forward in living with the same partner, the hormonal chemistry in the part of our brain that governs love relationships is also changing. In other words, we move from the excitement of the new to the security of the known.
In the first stage, everything is felt much more intensely, and not only sexual pleasure, but also insecurity, jealousy and anger. In the second, everything progressively becomes more manageable, but at the same time we begin to miss those nights that made us feel more alive, connected and excited than ever.
When everything else in the relationship is working well and there is good communication, the couple finds ways to continue to enjoy an intimate life to the fullest, because they do not depend exclusively on the hormonal cocktail of desire to continue to bond and let their fantasies fly. But if, in addition to the natural decrease of the sexual impulse we have to face additional difficulties that diminish our creativity, energy and disposition, then erotic enjoyment begins to become a beautiful (and frustrating) memory that seems impossible to recover.
External factors affecting desire in the couple
- Stress: When we are stressed by difficulties at work, financial or family, the body releases a series of hormones that are direct antagonists of desire.
- Lack of communication: We are often embarrassed to express to our partner what we want in bed. Sometimes, we are not even clear about it because the lack of communication is with oneself.
- Lack of quality time: Work, children and responsibilities may mean that the couple does not have enough space for intimacy, peace and quiet.
- Routine: Routine is one of the worst enemies of sexual desire because it makes us take everything for granted with our partner and eliminates two fundamental factors in a healthy erotic life: curiosity and wonder.
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What do you do when the passion dies down?
As we mentioned at the beginning, the fact that there are many reasons why the intensity of your sex life is decreasing does not mean that it is not possible to recover your desire. But it is not just a matter of good will and "getting psyched up". You have to attack the problem at its root.
Recovering a positive relationship with the body
We cannot expect someone to provide pleasure and care to our body if we cannot do it ourselves. Many times conflicts in bed are a direct consequence of conflicts with our self-image or a disconnection from our basic needs.
Before starting to solve the problem as a couple, it is basic to make an introspective analysis that allows us to listen to ourselves; to reconnect with our five senses and with our fundamental right to pleasure. This, of course, includes pampering ourselves more and not being afraid to explore ourselves physically, mentally and emotionally, but also investing more time and discipline in taking care of our bodies with food, good habits and exercise.
2.- Letting fantasies fly without fear
We all think about sex. We all have fantasies that sometimes "scare" us. We all constantly deal with the fear of being judged if everyone finds out what we really want to explore in bed. But the couple is not "everyone." If we can't entrust our fantasies to her, then who?
Our sexual being is a being that is very vulnerable to rejection and that almost never corresponds to our "ideal sexual being", but the solution is not to eliminate this vulnerability by pretending that we do not have erotic needs, but to embrace it and establish channels of communication free of prejudice, because, besides, who decrees what is or is not "ideal"?
Daring to say what we want, allowing ourselves to talk about sex often, and encouraging rather than censoring our partner when he begins to express his sexuality are three good ways to start using fantasies to our advantage rather than to our disadvantage.
3.- Protecting the spaces of privacy
The famous specialist in affective sex relations, Esther Perel, maintains that sex is not something "that is done", but a "place that we enter". As such, we cannot expect sexuality to flow if all the time there are elements that prevent us from entering that place of intimacy. Just as we give priority to work, childcare and family life, intimate spaces that are exclusive to the couple should be an important part of our routine.
4.- Explore new things
Hellen Fisher, another eminent theorist of romantic relationships, indicates that erotic bonds are strengthened when two people live new experiences together, because that strengthens complicity, connection and amazement: three elements that powerfully trigger sexual desire.
So daring to explore new things as a team, both in and out of the room, is an ingredient we can't overlook if we want to see fireworks in our bed again.
You don't need to go on safari in Africa either. Why not start by doing something different this weekend? How about a relaxing in-home massage Zen to Go to break the routine?
5.- Encouraging mutual admiration
One study revealed that people are never as attracted to their partner as when they are watching her do something she masters well. For example, if my partner is a professional chef, watching her cook with confidence and talent will most likely make me feel a strong attraction in the moment.
Admiration is another catalyst for desire. And for our partner to admire us, we must necessarily start from a conscious effort to be better days in what we love and also in the pursuit of our life goals.
Again, we realize that self-care and a certain amount of focused selfishness is just what allows us to meet our essential needs so that we can build an ideal romantic space.
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